faith, hope & love

hmmmm....

2009-12-03T11:16:00.000+08:00

Life's a chase!!

2009-09-16T21:42:00.003+08:00

seriously, life's a chase
a chase of time
a chase of people
a chase of getting work done

and all you can is to chase together
before you get left behind

tired, exhausted
you just want the time to stop for a lil while
for you to rest
for you to catch your breath
for you to think things thru

i just dun wanna do anything
at this point of time
to just stop and stare
stone thru the day and night
or the least i can do
is just pamper myself
or pamper my baby
though none of us have the time

dead end

2009-06-01T20:18:00.002+08:00

i dunno what to think
i dunno what to say
i dunno what to do
to make you happy
here with me
cos it just doesnt seem right
like what you have said
somethings gone wrong
or somethings not right
and i try to figure it out
i try to solve it
but i cant do it alone
cos only you know
what lies beneath

2009-05-19T16:53:00.002+08:00

no one in this world is perfect
and thats why
i learn to fall in love with your imperfections
cos that is what makes you
different and special...

2009-05-17T12:42:00.002+08:00

No matter what you say
I'll always love you
No matter what you think
This will always be true
No matter how you make me suffer
I could never love another
My heart belongs to you

A heart so good and true
You can take it
You can keep it
As long as you believe it
I will always love you

No matter how you hurt me
And break my heart
No matter for how long We are apart
No matter what you do or say
I won't have it any other way
My heart belongs to you

No matter what it takes
I'll always love you
No matter what I have to do To get to you
No matter what we go through
I don't want no-one but you

because it is you who brought me
joy, happiness, serenity and hope
in my heart
because it it you who taught me
how to love and be loved
that ill always love you
no matter what
for He has given His will to us...

This Girl

2009-05-12T18:16:00.002+08:00

If God answers your prayers,
He's increasing your faith.

If He delays,
He's increasing your patience.

If He doesn't answer,
He's knows You can Handle it.

Theres this girl who had a dream,
but thought a dream is just a dream,
and that her life is all about reality.
Until she hears her calling,
she broke free from what she thought was a dream
and listened to it.
Now that she is in it,
she made a mistake.
yes she did
adding on to the challenges and difficulties.
Yet she hung on
For many were right by her side,
friends and closed one supporting her
and her mentors believing in her.
Yes, she is still hanging on.

But the girl who people believed in
and have faith in
trusting she may be destinied for greatness
is in fact weak
timid and afraid
fear of not making mistakes
or not living up to ppl's expectations
but of herself...
for the girl who has what it takes in life
doesnt feel it
or at least is empty
but only tears accompanying her
every single day.

she knows she can do it
with the help, the teachings and motivation
with the fear that may be a potential challenge
but she also knows that sth is not right
she cant possibly be crying every single day
after doing whats right and her best
she knows that without the heart,
all is gone...
her dreams, others expectations,
triumph over her fear...
she knows she cant do it with the right heart
and no one
no one can give it to her
but Him
and this is all she is asking for
to let her take her first step once again.

2009-05-05T11:27:00.004+08:00

finals are finally over...yet things are worse than as off before.
the present has changed, the future has changed.
there are just so many things that needs to be done,
things that need to be thought through
because time waits for no man.

and telling me to not think, block it off...
i am trying but as off now, i just cant cos its my life at stake
every minute of it is in my hands
not having anyone to decide for me, choose for me,
or tell me what to do but myself

i am sorry i have to be selfish now...
i cant have you repeat my history at this very week
a week full of reflection not just for this semester,
but the full two years
a week that i have been waiting for
to dedicate to my frens, my founded family here
yet a week of mixed thoughts and emotions,
full of uncertainties and fear
on the change in my plans
a week of important occasions,
the feeling of missing and not being able with your closest ppl
after 20 years of having that opportunity.

i can fly and i want to
but i shouldnt cos i have to be strong
no more running away, finding comfort
no more avoiding, just to feel safe and secure.

cos i have my family too here
supporting me and giving me the strength
once before and now and ever shall be
but will that one very most important member
who was absent before
ever know all this
and walking thru it with me this time???

i am sorry i have to be selfish now
i am sorry i just have to think
i am sorry i have to cry
cos these are the only things i can
to make me strong
to get me thru the day
and make everything ok

if you have to go
if i have to leave....
then i shall take watever that happens
to save the wonders of whether we will make it thru
each time things arise
to save the fears and emotions....
i would go
i would leave
only if you want me to

Finally

2009-04-19T12:43:00.002+08:00

i think my body got its deserved rest.....thank you dear!
however, its wasnt really a good sleep....
by nine i konked out with the effects of two drowsy meds = flu and motion sickness
but by 11pm, woke up for toilet business
then 2pm i think, some crazy idiot just has to blast his/her speakers so loud with techno music
and 4plus, it started to rain and had to get up and close my windows.
worse of all, the heat was a killer thruout the nite
am sweating like a pig = quoting from my fave cute kids movie, little rascals!!
even chris's cooler din work, but just blowing hot air
nevertheless, i did get my rest.

so gonna have to mug hard now.
i just watched 6 episodes of ANTM cycle 11.
shoot me ppl!!

and as monday arrives, =<, sadly, i cant run away from psych....
goodbye microbi and contem

mug hard my nursing frens,....and those who are sitting for exams
to my m2 frens.....hang in there...you'll get used to the tiredness=>
and dun be afraid of the crash course skills....you all will master it in a few months time.=P

its that time of the month AGAIN

2009-04-18T08:44:00.003+08:00

where i just want to sleep...
no!! actually,
I NEED MY SLEEP...
besides having the 'bloody epidemic',
eye bags are forming,
and my back pain is getting worse...
so yeah, I NEED MY SLEEP.

so what did i do about it?
cut down tea, chocolate, less caffeine consumption
resist afternoon naps
study as much as i can during the day so i will be tired by nite
and sleep early!!

outcome:
my brain just wont shut till the clock strikes one am
the earlier i try to get into bed,
i get up EVEN EARLIER EACH DAY.
arghhhh.....
body is breaking down,
BUT
my hyperactive brain is just sooo hyper....

what can i say...
blessed to have an active brain??
or
am sooo dead, am gonna fall sick sooon!!
sneezing = cold
back pain = physio girl said its chronic already
eye bags = turning to zombie
pale = anemia

great.....this is just great!!!!

** i think some are gonna kill me....I REALLLY REALLY prefer working on MICROBI than touching CONTEMP, MED SOCI or PSYCH!!!**

=P

hoping

2009-04-14T23:46:00.003+08:00

it kills me that i hurt you this way
the worst part is that i didnt even know
i know you deserve much better
now theres a million reasons for you to go
but if you can find a reason to stay

ill do watever it takes
to turn this around
i know whats at stake
i know i have let you down
and if you give me a chance
believe that i can change
ill keep us together
watever it takes

cos id be lost without you
and never find myself
lets hold on to each other
above everything else

start over
if its ok with you....

i will do watever it takes
to turn this around
i know whats at stake
i know i have let you down
and if you give me a chance
believe i can change
ill keep us together
watever it takes

friday the 13th???...i say monday the 13th....

2009-04-14T17:23:00.002+08:00

is definitely a bad day......

waking up early to catch my bus at 8am, the bus was late, din depart till 830am plus.
i could have slept another half an hour.

shopping back in kl without a bag, i left my stuff at my sis place, which now... is still with her.
there goes my cards...no more shopping at least for the next few months.

never was i so eager to come back to SG....checking my watch every 10 minutes like a crazy girl and was restless, eta was 1pm....
but i reached at 2.30pm.....
hoping to arrive asap, the feeling changed
to i hope the bus would drive a few more rounds on the road

hurt by the slightest thing, i have no idea whats in my mind, affecting others
resulting in a blow up, painful words and definitely painful decisions to make
outcome - i know what i want, it just up to you and hope to work things out

splitting headache, sleep deprived, how in the world can i study....
yes, finals is in less than 2 weeks and am in deep shit, seriously....
decision made - mission for exams, start officially on wednesday
i have tonite to bum around, to sleep, do nonsense and no more of these tomorrow

but its hard with the time off, with all the uncertainties, and status quo at stake
but am gonna try
cos am not gonna let january february of 2008 repeat itself
i am not gonna self destruct, but try to learnt o deal with it
and this is a promise i am making....to myself, to you, and definitely to my close frens who were there for me at that time, trying to save me

and wat ended the 'brilliant' monday just has to be a fall in the toilet......
yeah right.......urghhhh

eye eye
please stay open and not close so fast
brain brain
please absorb watever i am reading
stomach stomach
please dun sing your song so fast
or fat fat will be more.....

oh and i am slacking

2009-04-09T11:47:00.002+08:00

yeah...such a wrong time to slack!!
less than 3 weeks to finals, and am slacking
going back for 4 days, sure books are off my head

and wat am i doing now....
laundry
washing
editing pix
packing
tidying up room

yes...where's the books???

and not to forget,
smiling like a crazy girl.....
=)=)=)=)
cos i am indeed blessed to have You!!

home sweet home....in 24 hours time!!

2009-04-09T11:07:00.003+08:00

yeap yeap, cant believe will be back home...well, 2nd home, kl in 24 hours time. back till monday.

but thats later, and now....now, i just ended my skills test = neurovascular and clc assessment.
and oh crap....am i really destinied to be with this lady??
my clinical instructor for 5 weeks, then my pbl tutor for one sem
and today....my assessor....oh goodness!!
shall not elaborate further bout me and her...cos i think am sure you have a hint on what am thinking, how i feel about this fate.

and talking bout my assessment...I SOOOO DUN WANNA FAILLL..
cos i felt i have tried my best, not tried, i really did perform welll...i did good in assessing!!!
and mind you, this is the first time i felt confident in a skills test.
i am so not gonna be sad if i fail, but will be really upset.....
the thing is if i did good, why think of failing...
well, thats because i did miss out some things
1. forgot to say din check case notes, docs orders
2. end din say report to doctor for changes
3. WORSE OF ALL, my vital signs i CROSS instead of dot!!

but again, its the assessment that should matter right??!!!!!
arghhh, i am gonna be restless till i see the results man.
yes, documentation is important but thats the vitals part.

and i am already 'unlucky' enough to have to EXPLAIN every single findings to the assessor, overshooting my 10 minutes....until jeff's eyes were big big when i come out of the room cos i took damn long....

crap crap crap
oh man....
i so dun wanna fail!!!
because of the stupid cross!!!!
so not worth it!!!

arghhhhh.......

strength

2009-04-07T19:41:00.002+08:00

strength, thats the main ingredient

tiredness, always tired....

it's hard....it's not gonna be easy
it's only the beginning
and i see it already

i am scared that i cant take it
i choose not to face it
though i still want it

its going to be tough
and its not just one of this
but many
and i wanna endure all this
end it well
but i cant do it alone

if only you knew
how hard it is for me
and help me enlighten everything
to just make things easier

strength......thats what i need
cos it is with the four majestic letter word
that i am doing this
for the most common three letter word
that i am doing this

completing everything
please give me the strength,
courage, perseverance
and patience...

Real Soon...

2009-04-04T22:37:00.002+08:00

1. i am going to have my skills test
- gonna have to practise and hope that fear of mine will be gone

2. i am going back to kl!!
- yeap, for easter and meet my parents, and so hope get to grab some home cooked food

3. reading week will come
- means needa be focused and disciplined

4. FINALS
- also means that i have to start mugging now actually
- and it hasn been really good

5. Attachment start
- another huge preparation for myself before starting postings
- so hope all will be smooth

6. Year 2 comes to an end
- and i am growing old

despite all thats gonna happen real soon,
am still gonna take step back
and enjoy every moment of my life to the fullest
with the people around me
who love and care for me dearly
cos with them, theres no real soon
but now and forever at heart.

it endures all things

2009-03-28T09:14:00.003+08:00

finally am done with my case study. got some room to breathe a lil. next in line is skills test before finals. it sooo fast, gonna have to start mugging. and i have no idea why, my room just seem to have sth to be cleaned/tidied upon....

tired, just tired, why? because of dreams...yes, dreams....bad sleeping pattern. the day that i can sleep in, i wake up damn early and vice versa. wats worse, the dreams just kills your rest. if its a good dream its not too bad....but it sucks when its so horrible that you just end up waking up crying.

time...is a very selfish thing. it does not wait for people. it cannot be bargained but be chased upon. it stands proud of all things, not having to change a single aspect. and who evers has it all, uses it all, for his or her own advantage wins it all.

fear...thats the biggest hindrance to some ppl.....fear, makes you stop one step before you should walk further. fear, makes you doubt even more, and start doubting yourself and not embark towards anything else, anything good.

but its life, all those has to be endured if you wan to win sth, to succeed. no matter how hard it is, sth will motivate you to push furhter, to hang on, to just live....

and though its hard for me, with the fear, doubts and tiredness interrupting.....
am trying my best to just
live life with love
because at the end of the day
it endures all things....
or at least, i hope it will

-faith, hope and love-

social development - attachment styles

2009-03-18T19:01:00.002+08:00

the study in infants, psychologically, how they are attached socially to their parents.

3 types:
1. securely attached - distress when their parents are not around and happy when they are
2. insecurely avoidant - couldnt care less when their parents are not around and they are also fine with them being there
3. insecurely resistant - distress when their parents are not around and yet stress too when their parents are not around

which one do you think you were years back?
are you like that now?

cos i know
i was the indecisive one
still am
and tryin to get out of it =>

i am tired crying over you

2009-03-12T09:12:00.002+08:00

i dun know what it means
i dun know if sth needs to be done
i just know i am tired, crying over you

i am tired
having tears rolling down my cheeks
because of you

i am tired
feeling the deep hurt in my heart
because of you

i am tired
having to wake up to all this
in the middle of the night

is it going to be true
or is that how it has always been
its just that i dun know

everything seems fine
here and there
but why does this happened

being apart,
i dun know what it means
i dun know if sth has to be done

even if we were near,
i still wont know what it means
and if sth needs to be done

all i know,
here or there
it happens at times
and i am tired

someone's watching over me

2009-03-09T09:26:00.000+08:00

i still cant believe that recess is over and in fact one week of classes has gone.
crazy week and more to come in the next few weeks.

finally done with psych ca, med soci ca, and psych paper last week.
psych was just crazy having 100 mcqs in an hour. i know i wont score. and now i just hope i can score a lil for my psych paper.
med soci, i guess am just blessed, really blessed. to have this feeling of this sociologist and indeed his name was my question. heheh, but oh well, whether or not my piece was good still depends.
afterall med soci is the super uber abstract arts module. have no idea what the lecturer is looking for

just gotten over microbi today. and wat can i say, i have no idea how am i gonna survive finals seeing the amount of infos to memorize from psych, med soci and contem too. my brain was just plain saturated with micrbi by sunday evening. i did my best, paper was scorable actually. just ope all my infos are in my long term memory and that my retrieval process, was smooth.

it really was a stressful period for all since recess week. and now whats waiting for us is smelly case study. have no freaking idea how to start.

but i am happy....despite the tiredness, hectiness...i am happy with my life....my studies, the tests. i am glad i can still smile. in this season of lent, prayer, fasting and almsgiving, adds on to the joy from the achievement to get thru this insane period.

yes, studies are important, tests must be prepared well, but life is not just bout those two....
life has to go own, doing laundry, having to fill our stomachs, relaxing with music and series....
life has to go own with the ppl around us and things ever moving, ever changing, appreciating the time spent with frens, whether its a heated moment for all or just a calm quiet interchange of wat each wants, and also the hardness of finding a perfect timing to catch up.

i am just glad, happy to experience all those important things in life in the midst of busy moments. feeling blessed, i know someones watching over me.

gonna have to start on case study soon. due next friday and openhouse this weekend!!
=>

wake up

2009-02-25T20:22:00.003+08:00

i need a slap!!!
cos i need to wake up
from my dream;
my dream is what i want.
my dream
where there are no worries
no rushing against time
no disputes of feelings;
nothing that will interrupt
the joy and serenity of two hearts
abundant time to be shared and enjoyed
meddling with the company of each other
and just be at peace.....

seriously...
i need to wake up
cos a dream is only a dream
and reality is where i live
and what i have to face
not only enduring my heart and mind
but of others
hoping that others will understand
what the other is thinking, feeling and hoping
or at the very least
to listen to what i have to say and feel

the heart

2009-02-24T23:17:00.003+08:00

it feels heavy
it feels not right
it feels horrible
it feels somewhat of pain

i dunno how
i dunno why
it is what it is now

it wants to break free
but that might make it worse
for it doesnt know
whether it will be healed
received and treated well by comfort
or it may end up
feeling worse than it already has

now is the time
that the mind should take control
funny isnt it
how ironic the situation is now

why does it feel that way
why does it rebel
why doesnt it be as calm and as peaceful as before
why does it suffer now

Recess No Recess

2009-02-23T21:44:00.003+08:00

It's Monday and unlike usual start of the week of classes, yeap, this week is recess. of course, recess is just a name given for this week, cos i think its no recess at all. so many work to do, things to read, ppl to meet up.

last nite, popped by at a bbq, and glad to have caught up with one of my alumni, jen ley. the weekend was exhausting, saturday full day of catching up. morning breakfast with seoh thin from pharmacy. then being so kuai, went to central lib to get some books. finishing the election process for vpc at noon, evening was time to catch up with good old day pal, chang mei. too bad it was too short of a time that we get to spend time together. but nevertheless, thank goodness, we have that lil time of ours to chat.

why must time fly by soo fast.....i still wanna enjoy every single moment of my life which of course include the tiredness, hecticness, busyness......studies. yes, i wanna indulge in studying, rather than having to rush in studying. oh well.....

all the best to all my med pals who are sitting for their pros, cas today, tomorrow and for the rest of the week or so.

study hard all my frens who have cas next week.

time sure is running out....and guess wat, this is my first recess that i stayed in SG. i always tot i could not survive the week here with no uni or attachment.

so i guess i was wrong...
not sure if its the busyness...
or the people...
or if this is just where my heart belongs...

here comes now

2009-02-15T21:27:00.002+08:00

starting of week 6 tomorrow....and then RECESS.......

no, am not screaming for joy, but instead, hoping that time will not pass so fast

this sem is once again flying by sooo fast
after recess, busy hectic period, cas, assignments, events and activities

oh well, am just starring at my pile of notes
haven touched a single one of them starting from week 1

but life is still fun =>

oh btw, happy belated valentines day people
hope you all had a great time with your loved ones
or at least, live a normal day
and also, HAPPY FRIENDSHIP DAY too
thanks to those who know me
in one or another

i feel blessed...
no,
i AMMM so blessed...
by grace and love,
i spirit and in truth
and there's nothing can i ask for more
but to thank you...

ok, back to studies
but before that, greys first
hahah
told you life is fun
with cream cheese

study hard people!!

Amor

2009-02-01T14:59:00.009+08:00

You asked me what is love;
Truly from the bottom of my heart,
this is how i love...

Love is patient, Love is kind,
It does not envy, It does not boast,
It is not proud, It is not rude,
It is not self-seeking, It is not easily angered,
It keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil,
but rejoices with the truth.
Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never ends.
L o v e N e v e r F a i l s.
------------------------------------
Faith, Hope and Love.
But the greatest of these is love.

and it is based on those that i am hanging on to you, in happiness or in sadness, in anger or in doubt, always, now and forever...

for without faith and hope, there is no love...

BUT, at times of when you are in bad shape, tired, as much as i would be too, sometimes, just sometimes, it is sooo hard for me to hang on to those words and enter to your stage...

and i just wished at times, most times, i can have a bigger heart, a bigger mind, a bigger soul to still accomodate all that you have got during that sometimes...

while having me in your arms, being told that everything, both you and i are going to be fine...

i just hope that you realize i can be in your stage too...

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

2009-01-31T11:47:00.002+08:00

i guess am late to wish happy 2009!! and also happy chinese new year to all my family and friends.

and to those of you who though i went missing again, NOPE, i din,....just busy.

after 18 days in kuching, i was back in sg for 10 days and off i was to kl and thailand. yeap yeap yeap, kl for 2 days and 4 days in krabi, thailand with my family for cny. and here i am back again in SG. doubt i will be going anywhere else till a few months time.

hope everyone is doing fine in this very new year. wish all of you a successful and healthy year ahead.

back to me.....18 days in kuching and i barely went out of house for 10 days...hahah guess i just wanna be lazy at home. did meet up with my old frens though. and really sorry to those whom i have not had time to catch up.

back in sg for 10 days and i have only 5 days of classes. i must say i am feeling the pressure the need to start reading up my notes and understand whats going on cos this sem is insanely time consuming the way i see. yet along i still have my ccas to juggle. feeling a lil worried, ok, bluffing you all, i am worried whether i can even juggle everything, be in control for all, yet enjoying. not to forget i wanna achieve my goals for my cap and also a balanced life.

tried pushing one of the most important thing in my life cos of this fear i had, thinking with this, it will be better for you in future. sorry....

krabi krabi krabi....boy the place is def fantastic.....i so wanna go back there one day again. nice place to just relax, do beach stuff, adventure, and def def take loads of pictures......
gonna upload the pix very very soon......

that place so dun wan me to come back to reality....but oh well, we just cant run away from it.....and here i am taking a break from cleaning my room, tidying and sorting out stuff before i work on my emails and ccas and finally studies.....

just went for a cny visit at prof arthurs house last nite.

i sure do have an interesting life, i must admit.....busy, tired, yet fun....loving the ppl that i am mixing with now.....forget about the datelines at hand first......overall, i feel blessed....so blessed.....

Across the Ocean

2008-12-30T16:43:00.003+08:00

Give me your reason,
Why are you feeling so blue.
Can you tell me?
I want to know.

I think about you when you’re gone.
I guess I miss you.
Nothings wrong.
I dun need to carry on.

Cos I miss you.
This is all I wanna say.
This three words have said it all.
I know it doesn’t sound so cool.
But maybe I am love in with you.

~.~.~.~.~

I’ve never felt this way before.
…The days felt like years when I’m alone.
Everything that I do,
Reminds me of you.

When you’re gone,
The pieces of my heart are missing you;
The face I came to know is missing too.
When you’re gone,
All the words I need to hear to get me thru the day,
And make it ok,
I miss you.

~.~.~.~.~

…its gonna be a long night,
And its gonna be cold without your arms.
And I know I am gonna lose this fight,
Lost in your arms,
Baby,
Lost in your arms.

Words specially from
- I miss you by Darren Hayes
- When you’re gone by Avril Lavigne
and
- Long night by The Corrs

HOME SWEET HOME

2008-12-29T15:41:00.001+08:00

Indeed it has been a while since I posted anything, bout one month ago. Let me recall, back form ipoh, finals, clinical attachment….one after another, no time to blog bout anything.

Am now back home, kuching, home sweet home. Been nearly a week….yeap, still coughing my way thru, 2 weeks already. Wat else, I think my daily routine for the next two weeks will be rise and shine, eat – breakfast, linger around, eat- lunch, afternoon nap, eat – dinner, sleep. And the cycle repeats. See how many eat and sleep, oh boy, sure like fat pig by the time I go back for my new semester. Heheh. home cooked food, seafood, local delicacies, yum yum, cant get much of that when I return.

So from where I left off, last month, end of November…… reading week, mugging for finals. Then by end of it, I went over to ipoh for the medical alumni trip

21-23 Nov - Medical Alumni Trip in Ipoh
Indeed, it is crazy to go for a trip in the middle of the reading week, or should I say start of my finals. Me, jasmine tan and chi ching went up with other 14 students from medicine and dentistry. They fortunately dun have finals like all of us. So they are in their jolly mood throughout the trip. Haha. But it was great fun and enjoyment. Relaxation in the midst of the mugging. Bus trip up for about 7 hours plus on Friday morning. By nite, informal dinner, where we have all the best hawker food in ipoh gathered just for us. Eating, drinking and singing songs, with poker and supper ending the nite. Kinda obvious rite, wherever we go FOOD marks the smile on everyones faces. Of course, throughout this time, we too did study to the best of our ability. Jasmine and I were just glued to pharmaco. Saturday morning, woke up late, had brunch and a lil local delicacies shopping, ate the famous tau fu fa and kai si hor fun. Bought tambun and pong piah. by the evening, went shopping, where jasmine and I went crazy shopping over clothes and dresses since they are all kinda $$$$ of the opposite meaning. Nite, was the formal dinner for the alumni reunion and my nite ended with books and sleep. So Sunday morning, we set off , heading back to Singapore. While everyone was lazying around and all, I was not in great shape, horrible diarrhea and vomit. I guess it was the worst bus ride ever having to be in that state. Thanks to all my fellow bus mates who took care of me…but of course, yes yes, now you all can laugh at me. Hahah. By the time we reach sg, it was 7 plus, I was just drained out with the vomit and diarrhea, I just have no energy to even text.

24 Nov – 2 Dec – Finals and zooming to Results
SO I came back in a bad shape. Dragged myself to the doctor, and I think this is the worse experience I have ever had. Couldn’t eat for 2 days, doing my big business for I think 3-4 days. Thank goodness by the time I sit for my finals, first paper immuno, I was much better. Of course, I wont be able to recover that fast with the help of my fren.
So, exams were generally horrible, I must say this when all my papers ended. But as the results were out, I just have no idea how I managed to pull thru. I did ok, better than I expected, WAY BETTER seeing how I walked thru my this sem of negligence towards my studies and focusing on events and activities. Disappointed with IMMUNO definitely, PHARMACO was ok, and GENES was a heart attack I tell you after the test. I think that day was the worse day ever. Having both pharmaco and genes on the same day. Lucky to say pharmaco was alrite, but having to sit for genes was just so so horrifying. I have never felt such a failure in my life till after that paper. And am just glad again to have pulled thru my sad emo moments with my fren then. Turns out I passed, and that’s all I am hoping for since am gonna su it. Cultural studies was just crap, right what I thought and my comments. And contemp nursing, my worst fear for exams came true….pens ran out of ink. Oh well, but overall, am just glad!! I am indeed thankful with my results, with how and what I have been through the semester and still having this kind of results. I just cant thank God for more.

9 – 19 Dec – Clinical Attachment in AH
Postings has always been a challenging time for me. And this time I was really looking forward to how it will be. Having a definite answer for nursing, I know there wasnt gonna be any turning back. But indeed on the first day I was freaked out. Guessed it must be the pressure I put on myself, being so lost in the new ward, my heart just wasn’t settled. Indeed surgical orthopedic or should I say rojak wark of medical and geriatrics too, it was a fun ward, I mean there were soooo many cool cases in my ward and am really delighted. To be able to see small intestines covered with dressings, to who-would-have-guessed-you got the opportunity to see bullae pemphigoid, I was just intrigued. But I dunno if its just me, having to face thru challenges over challenges or is it a sign for me that nursing is just not for me….i made a mistake on the second week, second day. It was bad…not gonna revive the whole incident. Yes, a black mark for my this attachment, makes me wonder what the hell is going on with me and attachments. I know I have disappointed tones of ppl. But the funny thing was I managed to move, got over it so quick. This was surprising. The thought of quiting wasn’t there, but just to move on, learn from my mistakes and carried on with my routine. i am indeed scared of wats happening. Good that’s what ppl say, since am not dwelling upon it, but I am scared I will turn heartless, emotionless, hardened, treating as if nothing has happened. But whatever it is, am just glad that whatever I have been thru, has indeed made me a stronger person. I have grown I know. Or I tell you I will never be able to survive my clinical mistakes, endure all the disappointments and consequences I have made.

2008 – A Reflection
As 2008 comes to an end in three days time, of course, those who knows me would guess me reflecting thru my year.

2008- was crazy. Yes, really crazy. First half was horribly slow, and horribly horribly a roller coaster. Second half of the year, just passed by SOOOO FAST. Overall, it is a year of growth, going thru the process of lost and found. Many emotions are involved – lost, betrayed, hate, search, longing, and last but not least love. To wrap up,
Jan – Feb: LOST, betrayed,
March – May: SEARCHING
June: found my answer to nursing, STILL SEARCHING, love
July: DETERMINATION, hate, love, trying, and longing
July – November: ENDURANCE, CLOSURE, FAITH, HOPE
December: PEACE, SATISFACTION, ACHIEVEMENT and definitely LOVE

Of course, I can never got thru this whirlwind year without the support and guidance from my frens….
White angels – thanks for supporting me, whenever I am down, broken, at the verge of quitting and giving up. Thanks hui san and wei qi for always always lending your ears to me

Taylorian – thanks for helping me search my soul when I was lost, back to find my own feet, knowing who I was and is

Faithful Lodgians – who else could have drive me more to pursue what I have always wanted. Thanks stella for always being there for me no matter how far we are apart and making sure am alrite.

To those who have hurt me in one way or another – thanks for making me a better person, learning how to get thru all the neg emotions and finding my way back up on the ground. Its thru you all that I have grown and stay strong

Last but not least, though the times may be short, thank you for all the moments that we have been through. Who would have guessed that our short meet and small talk will turn out to be this way. Thank you so much for listening me out, taking care of me when I was sick, enduring my chase, and persevering through my emo-ness and nonsense. Thank you so much for teaching me to let go, to grow, to not be afraid, to be happy, to be a better person, to have faith in things and ppl, to hope for good things and most important of all, thank you for teaching me how to love……myself and you.

And as the new year starts, I hope and I pray that things will be better, enduring whatever moments with a stronger heart and mind.

i think...

2008-11-30T16:29:00.003+08:00

...or no, DEFINITELY, it is over,
...my wall has been broken; finally,
...it is time for things to happen,
...it is about time for you,
...or i hope, all will be better,
...or no, DEFINITELY, i am SO BLESSED!!!

i lift everything up to YOU,
trusting that all will be well,
cos there's nothing more i can ask,
for i know, someones watching over me, ALWAYS!=>

the heart

2008-11-29T10:09:00.005+08:00

we want it, but we dont know how to get it.

it took me to this other place, this dark place.
i couldn trust you, not because of you, because of me.
and i think i was scared, because i do like you.

i can feel it, baby,
i feel like i am falling for you.
but i am scared to let go,
cos my heart has been hurt so.

but i think if you were to stick around for a lil while,
i might be able to get there,
because you are honest and loyal and worthy of trust.

- greys anatomy-private practice-jem-

things hasnt been great. i just cant pen down my thoughts yet...

it's gonna be a good day!!

2008-11-25T07:12:00.001+08:00

rise, shine and early at 630am. trying to recall pharmacology.
seeing myself in the mirror,
MY HAIR IS SOOO WELL_TAMED!!!!
so straight, with no messy unorganised curls here there everywhere.
am having a GOOD HAIR DAY
hahah
it's so gonna be a GOOD DAY!!
>i hope<

BACK

2008-11-24T21:49:00.003+08:00

- with a bloody epidemic
- with a weak body
- with diarrhea
- with a crisis for papers
but definitely back
- with a determined mind

i so need all the hope and luck for my finals...

thanks to those who cared for me, in one way or another during the times i was >nearly dying< here ="">

SOON

2008-11-21T06:19:00.003+08:00

SOON enough, i will be with jasmine and chi ching....
SOON enough, we will be on the bus trip up to ipoh
SOON enough, will i miss you?
SOON enough, three days will be over
SOON enough, i may fall sick, tired, exhausted
SOON enough, i will freak out for pharmaco and start studying
SOON enough, exams will be over
SOON enough, tubbies and i are just gonna have fun, eating and shopping
SOON enough, my postings will start
SOON enough, i may once be afraid, cry and be alone again
SOON enough, will you walk away?
PERHAPS the difference this time is not just me staying in a dif place, me with a certain heart,
BUT
WITH YOU, making sure it wont happen again,
WITH you, by my side...

unearthly hours

2008-11-18T07:05:00.003+08:00

sunday nite war great to be, being able to sleep as early as 10pm, i finally got a decent sleep of 9 hours when i woke up around 7 AGAIN on Monday.

yesterday was productive enough for me, satisfying myself with what i primarily plan for the day. left slight pbl and immuno coursepack which i decide to leave it behind and move on. celebrated wernzie 21st bday with his church frens last nite. oh FINALLY had my pearls from mr. bean at nuh.

and i tot sleeping at midnite would make me wake up at 7am again, BUT LOOK AT THE TIME NOW. so freaking annoying. was up an hour ago. morning call by the rain. had to close my window, and judgin by the time, no point i go back to bed, cos i know in about 32 minutes time, ms. mug and spoon musical is gonna give me a wake up call. talked to my mummy for a while, who thinks i am crazy already. timing going hairwired. and now starting my day off, MUG. what else.....

plan for the day. part two of GENES<> and i know i am gonna be dead by the end of the day cos i totally have no clue about it, blame myself for skipping lectures. so its like reading it for the first time, digesting and studying all at once. pray that my brain is smart enough to remember all. then next in line will be part two of CVS pharmaco, with 2 chapters on hand. and if possible, finish yesterdays part one CVS notes. i really gotta start early and no more tiny mid breaks unlike yesterday if i wanna finish all today. its gonna be heavy....

and i guess am starting NOW, unearthly hours = or for bday day wern lunn, its probably his mid productive time!!! HAPPY 21st BIRTHDAY BUDDY!!! big boy now!!! on the other hand, am so gonna be a zombie any minute, if i am like this every single nite - 'forced' to burn midnite oil!!!

OOHHHH, the day has got slightly better, ANTI-ARRYTHMIA is NOT INCLUDED!! hahaha
one less chapter to study!!

YOU are the ONE

2008-11-16T19:26:00.002+08:00

YOU are the one....really....thank you for your words. i am not sure if i can stick to it but i will try. i am ashamed of myself for always abandoning, forgetting you. it serves as a reminder, a teching. and i so need your help in every single step that i take, cos i know i cant do this on my own, i need you to help me. i know i wont be able to control myself, and thus, please always always watch me.

alritey....i just got back from vivo. yes, i know i am not suppose to be out but its an exception today. my family's old old fren is in town and we haven meet each other for like alomost 15 years. my mums fren actually, and her daughter is my sisters classmate. she saw me when i was a baby, grew up till i left indo. and my memory of her, is her sausage soup. yea, NOSTALGIC i tell you. i was only 4 years old then and left. and we have never met, none of us.

and so, this reunion is a must. she so wanted to see me and i too of course would love to see her and my 'sister'. went out earlier so i will wait instead of them waiting for me. tot of studying since morning i was feeling horrible, nauseous and vomit after the milk and cereal. but sooo many ppl in vivo, xmas celebration, end up window shoppig which ultimatly brought home 2 dresses. yes, i know bought in on impulse. so much so for saving up. i tell you am so dead. spend so much this year. beyond my budget for sure when i close my account.

met up, chat, eat, shop. and now back home. tired, must be the everyday 5 hours of sleep due to the birds chirping and spoon mug musical. i think am gonna sleep earlier tonite. i hope i can. kinda wayyyy behind time of my studies. dun wanna blame it all on todays outing.

plan: - healthy diet, since i cant fit into some of my dresses
- sleep early, so i dun end up having flu by the end of next week, or when i come back from ipoh
- really focus and know what i am studying, cant afford to just skim thru and come back later
- throw my wallet away, besides xmas gifts and bday gifts, i really shouldnt be buying anything else since my travel expenses is way beyond my budget this sem

study study study and rest rest rest

*i am afraid i will never stop loving you.
and so i am afraid i will never love others.
i am afraid of you hurting me.
and so i am afraid i have to chase you away.
but that fear in me, really is a protective mechanism in me,
so i feel safe and contented with my life not.
but thats not right and i know.
and here i am trying to break that fear
and just have faith and trust in you
for you have saved me too many times*

btw, i am soooooooo excited for next year, during this time. not gonna tell you guys why. hahahah

it starts now!

2008-11-14T13:35:00.005+08:00

so pharmaco was horrible. i hate fungals....seriously, i cant recall anything from it. the test was of course a killer to all of us. lotsa pk came out and i din dare take my chances this time in answering all of the questions.

many of course were distressed, displeased after the test. normal reaction, but i was just jolly. perhaps its just me to let go off things that cant be changed. i mean the test is done, cant change our answers. and rather than dwelling upon it, work hard on the next test, which is i know an even bigger killer, FINALS.....

but i guess ppl who reacts as of the above as much normal, saner than one who reacts due to emotions connected to people. the test din hit me as bad as HUN. yeap, HUN is just constantly there. i know i cant blame HUN as we are both in the same place, same uni, same fac. but not always the same time right?

just as i thought i can breathe a lil after pharmaco, finishing my cultural assignments, and looking forward for the movie at nite, HUN appears. and i get very very agitated...which i think my bad mood reaction is worse than those after the exam.

nap, solved juniors problem, and out for movies. since high school musical was out of the league last week, last night, finally we managed to watch it. true enough, previous parts were nicer, in terms of songs, dance and wardrobe. but i must say i LOVE THE SETS!!! the props and designs. it was great.

two weeks in a row of movies, i wonder when is my next trip to the cinema. i doubt its gonna be anytime near as finals are around the corner and then attachment looms in. oh, bad news for attachment, well at least bad news for me and min yuan, jillian said we might get posted back to the SAME WARD!!! high chances for this in AH!!!! crap la, means that two clinical insturctors where we commented last sem. hope they are not gonna drill us. i guess the bad thing for this is not much exposure to other wards......which is crucial to me now that we are still young and observant

morning went for physio and the physio said the sore has spread to the upper and lower region of my back. not to say its good or bad, at least now its not concentrated to the worse part of my back. yeah....back...HURTS.....massaging, pinchin, and i dunno what else she did, it hurts sooo badly, physio please, you cant blame me for not being able to relax with the pain.

**********
thunder and lightning, i am afraid of you.
and yes, i do MSH.
but most of all, i dun like what you said about it HUN.

it starts now....my mugging for finals. i only have 5 days before leaving sg again. i soo need to focus and its starts now. my back, the weather, some people, my mood, and definitely the sienness is making me hard to keep on the books/notes

it starts now...getting use to not seeing HUN. yeap, as much as i dun like bumping into you, especially yesterday, questioning why why why do i have to see you.....i know a lil part of me, deep down in my hearrt, knows that i am glad to see you yesterday. cos after that, i doubt when will i see you again. it starts now, the chances of bumping into you has gone.

it starts now...to stop talking to you MSH. its very nice of you for all the things that you did so far. but i am afraid, and whats making it worse is HUN is haunting me whenever i am with you. i know its not fair, but i am afraid. i wish you would know. but i really have to stop myself from drawing anything closer to you, for i know i dun think i will be able to take it if things eventually will be the same as HUN. i know i am falling into it and i doubt its true, so i guess i have to stop and it starts now.

i would runaway
perhaps it because
i'm never gonna stop falling in love with you

it starts now, not being to see you anymore HUN and having to distant myself from you MSH so i wouldn get hurt deeper in future.....it all starts now with the help of finals.....

**********
it starts now....focus ppl!!

time

2008-11-12T22:41:00.003+08:00

finally, its wed!!! yeap yeap yeap, pharmaco test tomorrow. cant believe the day has come. i just cant believe how time flies in the blink of an eye. just last week, i was counting down for a week and then watched movie, plus attended dinner somemore.

and less than 12 hours, will be done with my test. oh boy, i pray that everyone will do well tomorrow, retaining watever piece of info that we have studied, till finals is over or for the rest of our lives since we are gonna use it in clincals in future.

left two more chapters to read, fungal and hiv. not gonna memorise anymore, cos am falling asleep. and at times like this i feel so blessed, blessed to be staying on campus. saluting you all who stay off campus for the traveling times, hecticness and tiredness.

also, hope history doesnt repeat itself, me being late. will def keep that in mind.

*time has passed, it's been a while.
i tot it was wrong, till recently i found out that i am deceiving myself.
yet i dunno what to do, what to hope.
i tried very hard, but i end up being mean, rude.
and indeed am scared on whatever good that is coming to me.
because of what you have done
because of you
because of the love i have for you*

just think of ipoh and finals, enough for me to be back into reality =>
oh and i def need my series to study

it's still there

2008-11-11T15:42:00.002+08:00

it's still there
it still hurts
feeling the pain
recalling every moment
with a heavy heart
listening to the songs
it hurts
it still does

i thought it was gone
i thought it was done

guess i was wrong

awake, shine and early

2008-11-11T07:41:00.002+08:00

yes, it's only 745am and here i am sitting blogging, starting the day off. slept at 3am, finally finished editing my cultural studies essay. i must say my group did one crazy good job. pretty satisfied after editing it. hopefully everyone is ok with the final outcome and can hand in by friday.

so why am i up so early today??? the same reason as yesterday, to study durin day and slepe at a saner time by night. but i am not too sure if it works for me. yesterday din really work out well, as i got mixed up all the drugs stupid pk by dinner and i was freeaking out. nothing could go in and so i had to resolve to my cultural studies.

let along with only 4 hours of sleep, i doubt if anything will stay intact in my brain. i wonder if i am better off at
a) studying during the day
b) studying while uh hum, watching series, having some form of entertainment
c) studying a lil, then go sleep....

somehow i have a feeling that b and c works for me better. ahahah, weird i know.

i did mentioned this before, freaking out with the fact of my crazy plan in the next three weeks....reading week and ipoh trip and finals....i do not need to get even more panic with the help from my friends, hui san and mathew. worried sick for me, thanks a lot guys. i do know i am dead, but all i can say is, to TRY MY BEST and really stick to my study plan....though most of the time, you guys would probably hear me screaming once a while.

i am fine k, not stressed out or anything. the fear and intimidation does exist in my heart, but i guess everything should be fine for all is being planned. like i said, i worry first, and hopefully, so hopefully, by next week, at times of crisis, i wont panic.

call me weird i know!!! oh ya, back to back now, suppose to eat breakfast with ah zhi and go science return book. but she just woke up. rather than continue sleeping, i might as well finish up some notes.

and i tell you, reading dermatology and burns, especially of pemphigus vulgaris, with an empty stomach, is SOOOOOOO not a good thing to start in the morning. with the pictures and the feeling of your gastric acid secreting up your git, i think i can vomit anytime soon. =/

DONE!!!=>

2008-11-10T11:15:00.002+08:00

guess i should go for my physio this friday. back is hurting again. sigh....woke up early today, breakfast with pei zhi. her egg and ham was calling me since last week. purposely arrange for breakfast so i can get up early and start studying, do work early.

and i finally finished my IRONING QUEST...finally. but its raining now, and i am trying real hard to fall back on my bed again. breakfast besides ah zhi, was wern lunn. apparently he came over yih to do his assignment due later. and also 'ah zhi's nasi padang' guy. arghhhhh

managed to finish some contemp before coming abck to do my room and completed my ironing quest. only eleven plus now and am really planning to finish 3/4 of pharmaco, one part of contemp, one part of immuno and finish CULTURAL assignment, which is a pain i tell you.

i just came to realization, ipoh trip is next week!!! oh man, am freaking out deep in my heart. genes and cultural haven started anything. giving a week for genes, or less than that actually with pharmaco. immuno chiong after i come back from ipoh. yes, mr. wern lunn still say its ok what ipoh trip next week, sure can make it one. i am not so sure this time.

the m3s going will have their end of posting test that morning, with another test two weeks later. the m5s will be having their finals in less than 4 months. dentistry and duke wont be having their test anytime soon. nursing will have finals two days after the trip.

oh well, thinking on the bright side, its a time off from a week of mugging and relaxation before finals. i just pray for discipline, focus and lots and lots of grace.

*i dunno if this means the end, solved, whether your heart has been replaced*

lazy brain, body and soul

2008-11-09T22:29:00.002+08:00

i think most of us are in a crisis of having a lazy brain. take a lot of effort to do any work.

seems like my brain is rusting. cant seem to remember what the past week is like. things happened before friday seemed to be erased off from my mind. only thing i can remember was mugging at science and respectively with wei qi till night.

and what an 'exciting' friday for this past week. our final simulation for this sem. been having a bad feeling. waking up in the morning, heavy and dull.....wei qi says it must be ME, being staff nurse for this weeks simulation. turns out she was the one but we traded in the end after her 'screaming' the whole of nsl, till mdm rabiah was so shocked!! haha....

so jasmine and i bcame the staff nurse with wei qi as enrolled nurse and pei zhi as student nurse. blood transfusion rxn was the crisis event for the day and again, its chaotic. vital signs unstable, complaints from patient, medication administration. this simulation, was a wrap for all the skills that we have learnt so far, and i do realised that i dread simulation, more to the fear that i cant handle the situation, which reflects me in future on how to become a staff nurse, handling crisis and delegating work while making the correct decision.

after simulation, housekeeping began with the floor with lunch at munchie monkey with the tubbies. had the brownie which was super good. then at 3pm , went out to vivo, supposedly to watch hsm3, but there were no more seats left. all were separated and had to resolve to quantum of solace.

i have no idea what the story is about. seems to be me like several clips were put together, creating a movie. the action part was ok though. and for goodness sake, its only one and a half hours, but it felt soooo long. hsm3 would have been longer. with dinner and a long chat, friday ended for me at 11 plus. was soo damn tired, lucky had a ride home, or i would be sleep walking. i couldnt even keep my eyes open by the time i got back to my room. so dun need to mention study for the day.

saturday morning, ironing!!! and yes, piles and piles are waiting for me. i couldnt take it then by 2. tidying up the room, studied a lil and it was time to go for dinner - prof shih appreciation dinner. food, drink, socialise - normal routine for a function. this time with new companies though.

but last night i guess to me was one of a nite. crazy jia yang, mark, kevin and ying liang are like mad medical students who are alcoholics. uncontrollable!! luckily siva, darius, chi ching and i were still sane. it was a good time off for me, maybe due to the alcohol; but i do know the tubs would be screaming at me for drinking. most have fallen ill, and for a girl like me with extremely low immunity, its just sooo not the time for me to be the victim, seeing finals and ipoh trip is around the corner. nite din end well for my dear president i guess, puking after drinking.

slept thru my morning, and continued my ironing campaign. couldnt take all of it, so it will tbc for tomorrow. really took such a great deal and effort for me to just focus on my studies. really hope the things i studied went in.

ah ha, i remembered, wed i went for physiotherapy for my back ache. its fine i guess, normal the physiotherapist said after knowing i used to do high jump.

gonna really have to start keeping focus, staying health and resting well. i am pretty worried with this sems finals. so not prepared. i wanna do well, and i guess i can only try my best, leavingno regrets behind.

the weather is crazy, i am indeed sweating like a pig. hm....feels like sore throat is looming down my neck. and itchy nose....oh bother.....

Warm

2008-11-02T16:43:00.002+08:00

at this moment of time, it is just soooooo warm!!! i feel like i am turning into a roasted pig soon in my room. let along with the amount of drugs am taking.....figuratively i mean.

guess most of us are now mugging, my batch with pharmaco. juniors with assignments. m2s are gonna have a week of cas. yes, i have started but i cant guarantee how much is really absorped.

so what happened the past week.....
after i got back on tuesday, attended cancer lecture where most ppl think am crazy to attend it since i just got back here. then cell group, got guest who is like so pro in religious relics...and thanks to him, we each got a few too. seems like an early xmas present =>. then we celebrated ferdi's bday. ferdi...my cell group leader, also my friend, my brother....always there guiding me and supporting me.

wednesday, i skipped pharmaco lecture....couldnt get up. and for cultural studies, finished the lost highway movie, which i am still now lost. honestly, i have no idea how am i gonna pass this module. i mean the lecture is interesting, but in terms of exams, i think i am gonna have to crap things out. seems like i am getting a lil of my life back...after tutorial, spend my tea time with pei zhi....like the good old days where we just sit, drink and chat.

oh and i practised my skills for injection. yeap, thursday was my test day and boy, it sucked big time. i have no idea what happened, i just couldn seem to pull the plunger when drawing medication. took a hell lot of time then. smelly sponge was so think, there was still half an inch of needle sticking out and my tiny whiny hands cant seem to manipulate all the positions that i needed to. oh well, lets just hope i pass or i will cry having to practise 5x before resiting for the test.

and oh thursday, apparently my dear cousin is still in town and i went to raffles city to meet him that nite. tot he went back already. dinner and shokudo, instead of me bringing him around, he brought me instead and the place is cool!!! like jap food bazaar. then we went over to chymes and sit relax and chat. and yes, i drank, really gotta control myself...

so sit relax and chat huh?? he was saying, singapore is sure a damn good place to earn money, but definitely not a good way of living. sorry singaporeans. i have to agree with him, really its a well developed place, with really very talented ppl, which kinda make it suck a lil. competition and all the rush. setting up a family, having a peaceful life seems kinda hard here. and guess what he told me.... SHERLY, all you got to do now is to EAT, STUDY, SLEEP AND RELAX. dun worry about anything else....yeah right....who ever knows me, i definitely am doing more than that. but i guess my cousins right after all, i am only twenty and while ppl cant wait to graduate to start work, i can!! cos life seems kinda boring, or should i say stagnant when you wake up and go to work. at least for now, i still have studies, weekends, holidays, and EXAMS....

speaking of which, i really gotta buckle up and start pulling my socks. gotta control my diet, drinking, and definitely my series. good news is, i have caught up with most of my fav series and thus, i will have a weekly series marathon. i still wanna do well for my finals and i think i can. just that i cant be lazy.

right now, i am just so freaking lazy to IRON MY CLOTHES, let along in this super uber warm weather somemore. its been piling up my clothes in the cupboard, washed but unironed. and i am certainly running out of ironed clothes to wear. so please feel FREE TO CONTACT me whoever wants to help me iron =>

thursday is always a good day of the week cos here comes friday, where i only got hours of class. and this week, friday was yet again another field trip. trip to nuh blood bank centre. redundant you might think but at least its an opportunity given to see whats with all the blood products done. then i met david, my dental fren, passed him some stuff. and mathew too, who happened to have an op in nuh that day. well, he is the one doing the op, not getting an op, fyi. lunch, which i think i made him late for the next op. and after that i was just so tired, and locked myself in my room. trying to study, till now.

and i am indeed exhausted. still got tonnes to do, pharmaco, smelly cultural and some nonsense work which just never ends. guess what my fren said was right.....WHY YOU STILL HAVEN QUIT YOUR CCAS?

*EAT, STUDY, SLEEP, RELAX = PIG*
*i guess it shall be done though it's hard*
*cos faith without deeds is not faith*
*and it's just all about faith, hope and love!!*

dream dream dream

2008-10-29T22:40:00.002+08:00

have you decided on one thing and the next thing you know, you wonder if you are making the correct the decision....or worse, if life is telling you that you shouldnt have made that decision?

oh well, i guess that happens to me all the time. it's hard making decisions, part and parcel of personal growth. and just as i made a decision....a tough and painful decision on the plane in the middle of south china sea yesterday, i was happy that perhaps i made the correct one after meeting one of my fren back in class.

but it wasnt long till i got the news that this friday my group is gonna have a field trip to the blood bank centre. then opening my flooded inbox, one of my fren is posted to the hospital which we are visiting this friday. and wat else, waking up late today, only to be freaked out with the dream i had this morning.

and made me skipped lecture AGAIN this morning. talking bout waking up.....this doesnt sound like a good start.

the dream i guess was the creepiest one of all.....fresh and clear in my head....now i hate waking up during the rapid eye movement stage.....or perhaps only for this particular morning. every scene, conversation and actions was just in my head.

i wonder, if its trying to say sth about the decision i just made, since all three incidents had one in common. i also wonder if i am just getting closer and closer to the world of psychosis or hallucinations.

all i know is that recalling my conversation with dear fren, wei qi on finals, just saves my mind from all those crap thoughts. can vomit blood already, seeing how much i have to catch up and study.

guess tomorrow is another test day for year2s skills, and year1s anatomy. all the best.

and again its just sooo annoying when you have that doubt if life is trying to point you sth.

we'll see in a few days time. all i know, the decision had to be done, not because i dun have faith or it's pointless or what, but perhaps this is the challenge that i have to go thru

-to stella and wei qi, fate lovers -

*if i cant give the greatest love to you, then all i can do is to throw flowers to you*
*and here i am, waiting till that time*

back back

2008-10-28T17:43:00.001+08:00

back to SG.....mixed feelings.

lots to blog. but lots to do!! and since i have waken up, i shall do my work first.

cell group soon. then celebrate bday. then work. before i zzzz.

meaning back home story will come soon.....tomorrow or thursday or friday!!!

thursday got skills test, gotta practise first.

wish me luck and the rest of my frens too.

finally.....WAKE UP

2008-10-23T21:44:00.003+08:00

of the oth series and test results plus backache, i am waking up.....serves me right.

but waking up will be paused as off now. todays thursday =>

going back tomorrow till tuesday!!!! cant wait to surprise my parents, especially my dad!!

then when tuesday comes, its really the action of waking up.

gonna have to work on genes, print notes, tidy up stuff, and PACK.

*please dun make go insane for what i have felt about you*

><

2008-10-23T01:29:00.003+08:00

the pig and the kimchi has found my blog!!! WELCOME PEEPS!!

am just so tired now....after emcc, now pbling and later confirm, pon pharmaco.

i am so sorry frens to skip lectures this week. i just dun think i am better off in the lecture theatre while my head is still lying on the bed.

but with cns pharmaco test results, only this week i shall pull that kinda stunt, and no more....as pledged on sept 14.

pbl/pbl/pbl - for the first time i am rushing =<

*i sometimes feel i am hallucinating.....why do i still feel that way for you after the many months*

Pigging

2008-10-21T23:15:00.002+08:00

i so feel like a pig.

been pigging today.

sleep, noodles, biscuits, steamboat and bubble tea.

no wonder am the opposite of shrinking.

How MY FRENs saved Me =>

2008-10-20T14:47:00.004+08:00

heh, i think i owe my frens a bunch in surviving thru my past weekend studying for pharmaco test.

dear old chris, who so reluctantly lend me series so i can watch and study and athe same time. yeap, thats how i study, reverse psychology, need distraction to keep me focused. watched 6 hours straight nonstop yesterday after church. he

kevin, david and wei qi, whom i have talked to, ranting, and complaning, of course chilling out as well, during my 'breaks'.

and definitely last but not least, HUI SAN, for really saving my entire test today. over the weekends, well, of course she helped me got thru my 'sienness', locking myself in this tiny piece of room, being only a phone call away. but whats more importantly, i wouldnt even get any results for my this second ca if it wasnt for her giving me a call in the morning.

am sure you all guess it. it totally din occur to me that the test was at 830am. i tot it was at 9am, thinking of tuesday immunology class time. woke up pretty decently early. had a phone call, and then freshened up plus my breakfast. thinking i should just leave my room at 84oam, i lied on my bed setting alarm at 830am. and hui san called, i tot wah, why so fast 830 already? and she screamed over the phone WHERE ARE YOU????

my mind finally woke up to get the cue that its 830am and i ran all the way to science from my room. and i literally meant RAN, considering how unfit i am for this late few years. luckily i was still good,hahah, reaching before the test starts but of course, being a crazy lady. i so sure look like a girl who just got out of bed!!

but no matter wat, THANK YOU so much my frens for saving me.

learn, persevere, succeed

2008-10-17T19:34:00.002+08:00

ha!! sounds familiar? nostalgic actually. lodgian's motto.
i so need to learn and persevere to succeed.

ingredients needed for the next two days;
- perseverance
- patience
- consistency
- attentiveness

ingredients for the next two months;
- sleep
- SERIES
- planning
- mug!!
- total discipline

OTH season 4 finale just reminds me of the good old days of lodge!!

*look not of the past, nor the future, for they will blind you from the present*

what does this mean?

2008-10-13T19:40:00.000+08:00

i am afraid, puzzled.

but i know i should not be afraid with You by my side.

talk more next time.

many things...

2008-10-12T21:22:00.005+08:00

many things has happened
many things need to be pondered, reflected

many things are happening
many things need to be executed, dealt with

many things will happen
many things will need to just wait and see

but one thing for sure,
to just live life with love
and to the fullest,
with no regrets
(if possible)

* i see you, with my eyes, right in front,
i feel you, with my heart, deep inside,
and
i am told to do something, with the things revolving around me, by my side*

addicted

2008-10-08T21:12:00.000+08:00

case study due next monday and i am half way through. planning to finish by tonite, if not tomorrow, since i will be having meetings etc every night from tomorrow till sunday. but i am ADDICTED. addicted to none other then my series. been watching greys, private practice and one tree hill.

well, one tree hill is the reason actually cos am so far behind, back two seasons and problem now is i have the full series. which means i am watching one episode after another. oh well.

wat else, haemoptysis, cant be that bad right? to say am not scared, that will be a lie, but we'll see how it goes the next few days

addicted?? seriously.....i think i am addicted to sth to else, with its other synonym

3 months

2008-10-06T14:02:00.000+08:00

3 months
it's still there
fresh

i wonder
if you realized
i wonder
whether if there's anyone else
another good you
or
if that was just it

3 months
short and sweet
love with faith
change to
long and bitter
hurt with memories

but till today, i realized
my heart still speaks of that three words
untouched, unchanged

am i this person?

2008-10-02T21:23:00.000+08:00

you can multitask!!
you sure wont wont care, you will still care
you can cos you have been sick in even more critical times
superwoman

is this really me?
what if i am not this person anymore?
what if i am done?

living in denial, harping on to history, not letting go

is this really me?
how do i know if i am not this person anymore?
what if i am done?

messed up

2008-10-01T22:00:00.000+08:00

i just got back from home....kl i mean. been away for a week. and just as i cross the immigration, my mobile was bombarded with texts. seriously.......

back home, checked my mail......got shot twice. i feel so messed up...with everything

my work, my studies, my friendships....
my health, my life...
myself

yes, am freaking out. sick like a pig with so many things at hand....am not quite sure if i can get thru this stage.

tired, for the first time, i dun care anymore......

i just want my sleep

Why is it still there? Why does it still hurt?

2008-09-26T06:30:00.000+08:00

My back hurts – normal, lack of sleep, back not supported.
Been doing pharmaco since this morning – CNS depression, sedative, epileptics and schizo. I think I can go psychotic already or depress if I continue.
Maybe Joanne was correct. Maybe I do have bipolar disorder.
Guess my mind is just a dangerous thing. Controllable or uncontrollable.

I was concentrating when studying. But, I realized how many times my mind wandered towards sth else. Or rather towards that one thing. And now, I just wonder, why is it still there…so clear in my head.

Every single moment, every single conversation, every single meet.

It is not that I dun want to let go. I must say this time, it’s so much better as am not dwelling upon it. But why is it still there?? It’s going to be 3 months and it’s still there.

Why is it still there?
Why does it still hurt?
When will it go away?
When can I face you with a heart full of love and not runaway so that you dun feel how I feel whenever I see you?

Cos I am tired, exhausted, to handle it all by myself.

Finally - a getaway

2008-09-25T14:30:00.000+08:00

Finally…..i get to study!! Call me weird I know.
Back to KL, my getaway period starts from today.
Funny though, this recess I dun really want to go back, just wanna stay in my room – does that mean it that’s my home already?
But I needed to go back to focus on my study.

And sadly, not even 12 hours upon arrival, misunderstandings and miscommunications have started. How can I not think I am a pain in the ass?

Endless Meetings

2008-09-24T14:30:00.000+08:00

Lunch meeting got cancelled. Went out early for the next one. Had this thought where I rather be at home studying.

But I guess I was out there for a reason. To meet my friend, to just slack my afternoon, to give myself a break from work and studies, though I was freaking tired. To just get out of campus and breathe some ‘outside’ air

Proceed to the night one, all the way to pasir ris. On the way, bumped into Wei Xin; I really am being watched over by someone => Didn’t stay long at the retreat, but I enjoyed my time there. Met the NUSSU ppl who are all very nice ppl. The world really is small. Bumped to two acquaintances.

Sad part: MY CANDY GOT STOLEN FROM THE FRIDGE!!! Very very very annoyed with this. The third incident and counting no more!!

monday blues

2008-09-23T14:30:00.000+08:00

Cultural studies group discussion = LOST
Yum Char with Cous Cous = HIGH, for the first time, everyone is present!!
Visiting the Library = FREAKED OUT

SIT – STONE – STARE

2008-09-21T22:24:00.000+08:00

I just dun wanna move any part of my body !!

SIT – STONE – STARE

2008-09-21T22:22:00.000+08:00

I just dun wanna move any part of my body!!!