...or no, DEFINITELY, it is over,
...my wall has been broken; finally,
...it is time for things to happen,
...it is about time for you,
...or i hope, all will be better,
...or no, DEFINITELY, i am SO BLESSED!!!

i lift everything up to YOU,
trusting that all will be well,
cos there's nothing more i can ask,
for i know, someones watching over me, ALWAYS!=>

we want it, but we dont know how to get it.

it took me to this other place, this dark place.
i couldn trust you, not because of you, because of me.
and i think i was scared, because i do like you.

i can feel it, baby,
i feel like i am falling for you.
but i am scared to let go,
cos my heart has been hurt so.

but i think if you were to stick around for a lil while,
i might be able to get there,
because you are honest and loyal and worthy of trust.

- greys anatomy-private practice-jem-

things hasnt been great. i just cant pen down my thoughts yet...

rise, shine and early at 630am. trying to recall pharmacology.
seeing myself in the mirror,
MY HAIR IS SOOO WELL_TAMED!!!!
so straight, with no messy unorganised curls here there everywhere.
am having a GOOD HAIR DAY
hahah
it's so gonna be a GOOD DAY!!
>i hope<

- with a bloody epidemic
- with a weak body
- with diarrhea
- with a crisis for papers
but definitely back
- with a determined mind

i so need all the hope and luck for my finals...

thanks to those who cared for me, in one way or another during the times i was >nearly dying< here ="">

SOON enough, i will be with jasmine and chi ching....
SOON enough, we will be on the bus trip up to ipoh
SOON enough, will i miss you?
SOON enough, three days will be over
SOON enough, i may fall sick, tired, exhausted
SOON enough, i will freak out for pharmaco and start studying
SOON enough, exams will be over
SOON enough, tubbies and i are just gonna have fun, eating and shopping
SOON enough, my postings will start
SOON enough, i may once be afraid, cry and be alone again
SOON enough, will you walk away?
PERHAPS the difference this time is not just me staying in a dif place, me with a certain heart,
BUT
WITH YOU, making sure it wont happen again,
WITH you, by my side...

sunday nite war great to be, being able to sleep as early as 10pm, i finally got a decent sleep of 9 hours when i woke up around 7 AGAIN on Monday.

yesterday was productive enough for me, satisfying myself with what i primarily plan for the day. left slight pbl and immuno coursepack which i decide to leave it behind and move on. celebrated wernzie 21st bday with his church frens last nite. oh FINALLY had my pearls from mr. bean at nuh.

and i tot sleeping at midnite would make me wake up at 7am again, BUT LOOK AT THE TIME NOW. so freaking annoying. was up an hour ago. morning call by the rain. had to close my window, and judgin by the time, no point i go back to bed, cos i know in about 32 minutes time, ms. mug and spoon musical is gonna give me a wake up call. talked to my mummy for a while, who thinks i am crazy already. timing going hairwired. and now starting my day off, MUG. what else.....

plan for the day. part two of GENES<> and i know i am gonna be dead by the end of the day cos i totally have no clue about it, blame myself for skipping lectures. so its like reading it for the first time, digesting and studying all at once. pray that my brain is smart enough to remember all. then next in line will be part two of CVS pharmaco, with 2 chapters on hand. and if possible, finish yesterdays part one CVS notes. i really gotta start early and no more tiny mid breaks unlike yesterday if i wanna finish all today. its gonna be heavy....

and i guess am starting NOW, unearthly hours = or for bday day wern lunn, its probably his mid productive time!!! HAPPY 21st BIRTHDAY BUDDY!!! big boy now!!! on the other hand, am so gonna be a zombie any minute, if i am like this every single nite - 'forced' to burn midnite oil!!!

OOHHHH, the day has got slightly better, ANTI-ARRYTHMIA is NOT INCLUDED!! hahaha
one less chapter to study!!

YOU are the one....really....thank you for your words. i am not sure if i can stick to it but i will try. i am ashamed of myself for always abandoning, forgetting you. it serves as a reminder, a teching. and i so need your help in every single step that i take, cos i know i cant do this on my own, i need you to help me. i know i wont be able to control myself, and thus, please always always watch me.

alritey....i just got back from vivo. yes, i know i am not suppose to be out but its an exception today. my family's old old fren is in town and we haven meet each other for like alomost 15 years. my mums fren actually, and her daughter is my sisters classmate. she saw me when i was a baby, grew up till i left indo. and my memory of her, is her sausage soup. yea, NOSTALGIC i tell you. i was only 4 years old then and left. and we have never met, none of us.

and so, this reunion is a must. she so wanted to see me and i too of course would love to see her and my 'sister'. went out earlier so i will wait instead of them waiting for me. tot of studying since morning i was feeling horrible, nauseous and vomit after the milk and cereal. but sooo many ppl in vivo, xmas celebration, end up window shoppig which ultimatly brought home 2 dresses. yes, i know bought in on impulse. so much so for saving up. i tell you am so dead. spend so much this year. beyond my budget for sure when i close my account.

met up, chat, eat, shop. and now back home. tired, must be the everyday 5 hours of sleep due to the birds chirping and spoon mug musical. i think am gonna sleep earlier tonite. i hope i can. kinda wayyyy behind time of my studies. dun wanna blame it all on todays outing.

plan: - healthy diet, since i cant fit into some of my dresses
- sleep early, so i dun end up having flu by the end of next week, or when i come back from ipoh
- really focus and know what i am studying, cant afford to just skim thru and come back later
- throw my wallet away, besides xmas gifts and bday gifts, i really shouldnt be buying anything else since my travel expenses is way beyond my budget this sem

study study study and rest rest rest

*i am afraid i will never stop loving you.
and so i am afraid i will never love others.
i am afraid of you hurting me.
and so i am afraid i have to chase you away.
but that fear in me, really is a protective mechanism in me,
so i feel safe and contented with my life not.
but thats not right and i know.
and here i am trying to break that fear
and just have faith and trust in you
for you have saved me too many times*

btw, i am soooooooo excited for next year, during this time. not gonna tell you guys why. hahahah

so pharmaco was horrible. i hate fungals....seriously, i cant recall anything from it. the test was of course a killer to all of us. lotsa pk came out and i din dare take my chances this time in answering all of the questions.

many of course were distressed, displeased after the test. normal reaction, but i was just jolly. perhaps its just me to let go off things that cant be changed. i mean the test is done, cant change our answers. and rather than dwelling upon it, work hard on the next test, which is i know an even bigger killer, FINALS.....

but i guess ppl who reacts as of the above as much normal, saner than one who reacts due to emotions connected to people. the test din hit me as bad as HUN. yeap, HUN is just constantly there. i know i cant blame HUN as we are both in the same place, same uni, same fac. but not always the same time right?

just as i thought i can breathe a lil after pharmaco, finishing my cultural assignments, and looking forward for the movie at nite, HUN appears. and i get very very agitated...which i think my bad mood reaction is worse than those after the exam.

nap, solved juniors problem, and out for movies. since high school musical was out of the league last week, last night, finally we managed to watch it. true enough, previous parts were nicer, in terms of songs, dance and wardrobe. but i must say i LOVE THE SETS!!! the props and designs. it was great.

two weeks in a row of movies, i wonder when is my next trip to the cinema. i doubt its gonna be anytime near as finals are around the corner and then attachment looms in. oh, bad news for attachment, well at least bad news for me and min yuan, jillian said we might get posted back to the SAME WARD!!! high chances for this in AH!!!! crap la, means that two clinical insturctors where we commented last sem. hope they are not gonna drill us. i guess the bad thing for this is not much exposure to other wards......which is crucial to me now that we are still young and observant

morning went for physio and the physio said the sore has spread to the upper and lower region of my back. not to say its good or bad, at least now its not concentrated to the worse part of my back. yeah....back...HURTS.....massaging, pinchin, and i dunno what else she did, it hurts sooo badly, physio please, you cant blame me for not being able to relax with the pain.

**********
thunder and lightning, i am afraid of you.
and yes, i do MSH.
but most of all, i dun like what you said about it HUN.

it starts now....my mugging for finals. i only have 5 days before leaving sg again. i soo need to focus and its starts now. my back, the weather, some people, my mood, and definitely the sienness is making me hard to keep on the books/notes

it starts now...getting use to not seeing HUN. yeap, as much as i dun like bumping into you, especially yesterday, questioning why why why do i have to see you.....i know a lil part of me, deep down in my hearrt, knows that i am glad to see you yesterday. cos after that, i doubt when will i see you again. it starts now, the chances of bumping into you has gone.

it starts now...to stop talking to you MSH. its very nice of you for all the things that you did so far. but i am afraid, and whats making it worse is HUN is haunting me whenever i am with you. i know its not fair, but i am afraid. i wish you would know. but i really have to stop myself from drawing anything closer to you, for i know i dun think i will be able to take it if things eventually will be the same as HUN. i know i am falling into it and i doubt its true, so i guess i have to stop and it starts now.

i would runaway
perhaps it because
i'm never gonna stop falling in love with you

it starts now, not being to see you anymore HUN and having to distant myself from you MSH so i wouldn get hurt deeper in future.....it all starts now with the help of finals.....

**********
it starts now....focus ppl!!

finally, its wed!!! yeap yeap yeap, pharmaco test tomorrow. cant believe the day has come. i just cant believe how time flies in the blink of an eye. just last week, i was counting down for a week and then watched movie, plus attended dinner somemore.

and less than 12 hours, will be done with my test. oh boy, i pray that everyone will do well tomorrow, retaining watever piece of info that we have studied, till finals is over or for the rest of our lives since we are gonna use it in clincals in future.

left two more chapters to read, fungal and hiv. not gonna memorise anymore, cos am falling asleep. and at times like this i feel so blessed, blessed to be staying on campus. saluting you all who stay off campus for the traveling times, hecticness and tiredness.

also, hope history doesnt repeat itself, me being late. will def keep that in mind.

*time has passed, it's been a while.
i tot it was wrong, till recently i found out that i am deceiving myself.
yet i dunno what to do, what to hope.
i tried very hard, but i end up being mean, rude.
and indeed am scared on whatever good that is coming to me.
because of what you have done
because of you
because of the love i have for you*

just think of ipoh and finals, enough for me to be back into reality =>
oh and i def need my series to study

it's still there
it still hurts
feeling the pain
recalling every moment
with a heavy heart
listening to the songs
it hurts
it still does

i thought it was gone
i thought it was done

guess i was wrong

yes, it's only 745am and here i am sitting blogging, starting the day off. slept at 3am, finally finished editing my cultural studies essay. i must say my group did one crazy good job. pretty satisfied after editing it. hopefully everyone is ok with the final outcome and can hand in by friday.

so why am i up so early today??? the same reason as yesterday, to study durin day and slepe at a saner time by night. but i am not too sure if it works for me. yesterday din really work out well, as i got mixed up all the drugs stupid pk by dinner and i was freeaking out. nothing could go in and so i had to resolve to my cultural studies.

let along with only 4 hours of sleep, i doubt if anything will stay intact in my brain. i wonder if i am better off at
a) studying during the day
b) studying while uh hum, watching series, having some form of entertainment
c) studying a lil, then go sleep....

somehow i have a feeling that b and c works for me better. ahahah, weird i know.

i did mentioned this before, freaking out with the fact of my crazy plan in the next three weeks....reading week and ipoh trip and finals....i do not need to get even more panic with the help from my friends, hui san and mathew. worried sick for me, thanks a lot guys. i do know i am dead, but all i can say is, to TRY MY BEST and really stick to my study plan....though most of the time, you guys would probably hear me screaming once a while.

i am fine k, not stressed out or anything. the fear and intimidation does exist in my heart, but i guess everything should be fine for all is being planned. like i said, i worry first, and hopefully, so hopefully, by next week, at times of crisis, i wont panic.

call me weird i know!!! oh ya, back to back now, suppose to eat breakfast with ah zhi and go science return book. but she just woke up. rather than continue sleeping, i might as well finish up some notes.

and i tell you, reading dermatology and burns, especially of pemphigus vulgaris, with an empty stomach, is SOOOOOOO not a good thing to start in the morning. with the pictures and the feeling of your gastric acid secreting up your git, i think i can vomit anytime soon. =/

guess i should go for my physio this friday. back is hurting again. sigh....woke up early today, breakfast with pei zhi. her egg and ham was calling me since last week. purposely arrange for breakfast so i can get up early and start studying, do work early.

and i finally finished my IRONING QUEST...finally. but its raining now, and i am trying real hard to fall back on my bed again. breakfast besides ah zhi, was wern lunn. apparently he came over yih to do his assignment due later. and also 'ah zhi's nasi padang' guy. arghhhhh

managed to finish some contemp before coming abck to do my room and completed my ironing quest. only eleven plus now and am really planning to finish 3/4 of pharmaco, one part of contemp, one part of immuno and finish CULTURAL assignment, which is a pain i tell you.

i just came to realization, ipoh trip is next week!!! oh man, am freaking out deep in my heart. genes and cultural haven started anything. giving a week for genes, or less than that actually with pharmaco. immuno chiong after i come back from ipoh. yes, mr. wern lunn still say its ok what ipoh trip next week, sure can make it one. i am not so sure this time.

the m3s going will have their end of posting test that morning, with another test two weeks later. the m5s will be having their finals in less than 4 months. dentistry and duke wont be having their test anytime soon. nursing will have finals two days after the trip.

oh well, thinking on the bright side, its a time off from a week of mugging and relaxation before finals. i just pray for discipline, focus and lots and lots of grace.

*i dunno if this means the end, solved, whether your heart has been replaced*

i think most of us are in a crisis of having a lazy brain. take a lot of effort to do any work.

seems like my brain is rusting. cant seem to remember what the past week is like. things happened before friday seemed to be erased off from my mind. only thing i can remember was mugging at science and respectively with wei qi till night.

and what an 'exciting' friday for this past week. our final simulation for this sem. been having a bad feeling. waking up in the morning, heavy and dull.....wei qi says it must be ME, being staff nurse for this weeks simulation. turns out she was the one but we traded in the end after her 'screaming' the whole of nsl, till mdm rabiah was so shocked!! haha....


so jasmine and i bcame the staff nurse with wei qi as enrolled nurse and pei zhi as student nurse. blood transfusion rxn was the crisis event for the day and again, its chaotic. vital signs unstable, complaints from patient, medication administration. this simulation, was a wrap for all the skills that we have learnt so far, and i do realised that i dread simulation, more to the fear that i cant handle the situation, which reflects me in future on how to become a staff nurse, handling crisis and delegating work while making the correct decision.


after simulation, housekeeping began with the floor with lunch at munchie monkey with the tubbies. had the brownie which was super good. then at 3pm , went out to vivo, supposedly to watch hsm3, but there were no more seats left. all were separated and had to resolve to quantum of solace.

i have no idea what the story is about. seems to be me like several clips were put together, creating a movie. the action part was ok though. and for goodness sake, its only one and a half hours, but it felt soooo long. hsm3 would have been longer. with dinner and a long chat, friday ended for me at 11 plus. was soo damn tired, lucky had a ride home, or i would be sleep walking. i couldnt even keep my eyes open by the time i got back to my room. so dun need to mention study for the day.

saturday morning, ironing!!! and yes, piles and piles are waiting for me. i couldnt take it then by 2. tidying up the room, studied a lil and it was time to go for dinner - prof shih appreciation dinner. food, drink, socialise - normal routine for a function. this time with new companies though.

but last night i guess to me was one of a nite. crazy jia yang, mark, kevin and ying liang are like mad medical students who are alcoholics. uncontrollable!! luckily siva, darius, chi ching and i were still sane. it was a good time off for me, maybe due to the alcohol; but i do know the tubs would be screaming at me for drinking. most have fallen ill, and for a girl like me with extremely low immunity, its just sooo not the time for me to be the victim, seeing finals and ipoh trip is around the corner. nite din end well for my dear president i guess, puking after drinking.

slept thru my morning, and continued my ironing campaign. couldnt take all of it, so it will tbc for tomorrow. really took such a great deal and effort for me to just focus on my studies. really hope the things i studied went in.

ah ha, i remembered, wed i went for physiotherapy for my back ache. its fine i guess, normal the physiotherapist said after knowing i used to do high jump.

gonna really have to start keeping focus, staying health and resting well. i am pretty worried with this sems finals. so not prepared. i wanna do well, and i guess i can only try my best, leavingno regrets behind.

the weather is crazy, i am indeed sweating like a pig. hm....feels like sore throat is looming down my neck. and itchy nose....oh bother.....

at this moment of time, it is just soooooo warm!!! i feel like i am turning into a roasted pig soon in my room. let along with the amount of drugs am taking.....figuratively i mean.

guess most of us are now mugging, my batch with pharmaco. juniors with assignments. m2s are gonna have a week of cas. yes, i have started but i cant guarantee how much is really absorped.

so what happened the past week.....
after i got back on tuesday, attended cancer lecture where most ppl think am crazy to attend it since i just got back here. then cell group, got guest who is like so pro in religious relics...and thanks to him, we each got a few too. seems like an early xmas present =>. then we celebrated ferdi's bday. ferdi...my cell group leader, also my friend, my brother....always there guiding me and supporting me.

wednesday, i skipped pharmaco lecture....couldnt get up. and for cultural studies, finished the lost highway movie, which i am still now lost. honestly, i have no idea how am i gonna pass this module. i mean the lecture is interesting, but in terms of exams, i think i am gonna have to crap things out. seems like i am getting a lil of my life back...after tutorial, spend my tea time with pei zhi....like the good old days where we just sit, drink and chat.

oh and i practised my skills for injection. yeap, thursday was my test day and boy, it sucked big time. i have no idea what happened, i just couldn seem to pull the plunger when drawing medication. took a hell lot of time then. smelly sponge was so think, there was still half an inch of needle sticking out and my tiny whiny hands cant seem to manipulate all the positions that i needed to. oh well, lets just hope i pass or i will cry having to practise 5x before resiting for the test.

and oh thursday, apparently my dear cousin is still in town and i went to raffles city to meet him that nite. tot he went back already. dinner and shokudo, instead of me bringing him around, he brought me instead and the place is cool!!! like jap food bazaar. then we went over to chymes and sit relax and chat. and yes, i drank, really gotta control myself...

so sit relax and chat huh?? he was saying, singapore is sure a damn good place to earn money, but definitely not a good way of living. sorry singaporeans. i have to agree with him, really its a well developed place, with really very talented ppl, which kinda make it suck a lil. competition and all the rush. setting up a family, having a peaceful life seems kinda hard here. and guess what he told me.... SHERLY, all you got to do now is to EAT, STUDY, SLEEP AND RELAX. dun worry about anything else....yeah right....who ever knows me, i definitely am doing more than that. but i guess my cousins right after all, i am only twenty and while ppl cant wait to graduate to start work, i can!! cos life seems kinda boring, or should i say stagnant when you wake up and go to work. at least for now, i still have studies, weekends, holidays, and EXAMS....

speaking of which, i really gotta buckle up and start pulling my socks. gotta control my diet, drinking, and definitely my series. good news is, i have caught up with most of my fav series and thus, i will have a weekly series marathon. i still wanna do well for my finals and i think i can. just that i cant be lazy.

right now, i am just so freaking lazy to IRON MY CLOTHES, let along in this super uber warm weather somemore. its been piling up my clothes in the cupboard, washed but unironed. and i am certainly running out of ironed clothes to wear. so please feel FREE TO CONTACT me whoever wants to help me iron =>

thursday is always a good day of the week cos here comes friday, where i only got hours of class. and this week, friday was yet again another field trip. trip to nuh blood bank centre. redundant you might think but at least its an opportunity given to see whats with all the blood products done. then i met david, my dental fren, passed him some stuff. and mathew too, who happened to have an op in nuh that day. well, he is the one doing the op, not getting an op, fyi. lunch, which i think i made him late for the next op. and after that i was just so tired, and locked myself in my room. trying to study, till now.

and i am indeed exhausted. still got tonnes to do, pharmaco, smelly cultural and some nonsense work which just never ends. guess what my fren said was right.....WHY YOU STILL HAVEN QUIT YOUR CCAS?

*EAT, STUDY, SLEEP, RELAX = PIG*
*i guess it shall be done though it's hard*
*cos faith without deeds is not faith*
*and it's just all about faith, hope and love!!*